Our early experiences with those closest to us lay the foundation for how we will relate to others in the future, but just as importantly, they shape how we relate to ourselves and to the world as a whole. Damaged and wounding relationships are the main cause of psychological and social problems in the human world. For the most severely wounded victims of destructive relationships, our society builds institutions like prisons, correctional facilities, or psychiatric hospitals. But these institutions often represent the very opposite of what a wounded soul actually needs in order to heal.
Relationships in our lives
Research has shown us that there is no universal recipe for happiness in life. Each person is unique, and everyone must find their own personal path to fulfillment. But there is one factor that consistently shows a direct correlation with long-term life satisfaction: the quality of our relationships. The closer people are to us, the more they influence us. Our closest relationships can be the source of our greatest happiness, but also, unfortunately, of our greatest suffering. Poor relationships with those closest to us can truly make life feel like hell. If we take seriously our responsibility toward our children and the world we are passing on to them - it becomes clear that this responsibility includes not only our personal growth, but also the conscious development of our relationships.
It is above all the relationships we grow up in that shape us for life. The way those closest to us treat us and speak to us in childhood naturally becomes the inner voice of our own thoughts, which we then carry, develop, and partially transform as we grow older, before passing it along to the next generation. Every family transmits its own particular patterns of relating - to ourselves, to others, to the world. We each grow up in a unique little world, shaped by the interplay of personalities sharing our home. That world usually seems natural to us and we absorb not only the family’s values, but also its unspoken dogmas, traumas, and blind spots. As we grow, peer relationships begin to influence us as well, giving us glimpses of other people’s unique inner worlds. Through this ongoing process, our relationships with ourselves, with others, and with the world take shape. And along with that, we develop an internal system of values and emotions - what we consider important and right, and what we do not.
We carry this inner world with us when we enter into romantic relationships - with the intention of building a new family unit. Even when we bring our best intentions, our different backgrounds and personal burdens inevitably influence the relationship. Over time, differences can intensify, and it is not always easy to work with this dynamic in a constructive way. Often, we resort to subtle or overt forms of manipulation in an effort to bridge the divide. We turn to various recommendations or strategies, but these almost always fail, because every relationship is a unique combination of two distinct individuals. Every relationship must be created anew, in its own authentic way.
Relationship as dialog
One of the most important inspirations for both my work and this writing is the psychotherapeutic approach known as Open Dialogue, which embraces the multi-layered reality of our lives and relationships. It does not impose judgments or interpretations, instead, it creates a safe space. Dialogue - sharing within a space of trust, mutual respect, and equality - is the fundamental tool for healing and growth. This means that our personal relationships can (and truly should) become that space for healing and growth. A partnership should never be a battle to impose one person’s worldview or truth over the other’s. It should be a space for communication, for dialogue, for dance, ... . A healthy relationship is not built by following some universal strategy. It is created through mutuality and through a willingness to learn and grow. A real, genuine relationship is not a fixed state, it is a movement, a reciprocal process that is always evolving. (This applies not only to romantic relationships.)
All living things are in constant motion, in an endless process of change and development. Nothing stays the same, everything influences and transforms everything else. If we project rigid expectations onto the world - about how it should be, how others should be, how we ourselves should be - we will constantly be frustrated. If we wish to live in the real world, in real relationships (not in their illusion), we must accept their uncertain and dynamic nature. This takes a certain amount of courage. But above all, it requires that we have made peace with ourselves. Being your own best friend and ally is the foundation for all other relationships in life.
Too many people are their own harshest critic. Too often, our “inner tyrant” dictates what is or isn’t good enough - suffocating freedom and joy, both in ourselves and in those around us. And too often, behind these beliefs lies fear. Without addressing this, there is no dialogue - only monologues. In reality, everything that operates within us also plays out externally, so our unresolved inner conflicts become the fuel for relationship crises. But these crises are also great opportunities! They can be our best mirror, our greatest source of inspiration, guidance, and direction. But only if we are willing to truly see the truths they reveal, to ask the right questions, and to remain open to genuine dialogue.
In our lives and relationships, we are greatly influenced by what we believe. The way we experience daily life is built upon stories - many of which are unconscious and we often aren’t even aware they exist. Some of these stories can be deeply destructive, damaging not only to our own lives, but also to our relationships and those closest to us. In the following article, you can read about these dominant narratives and how they function.
Common dominant narratives include stereotypes such as "men don't cry" or "women should take care of the household." These are just superstitions and myths, yet many people believe them as if they were almost a cosmic law. Consequently, countless men walk around the world blocking their emotions, believing that toughness proves their masculinity, and in many households, women feel inferior for not being able to manage perfect home care alongside a full-time job.
Dominant stories influence how we experience our daily lives, shaping and co-creating our experiences in almost every moment. They don't always have to be negative. They can reside, for example, in a belief that people are basically good, or that cooperation is more important than competition. Depending on the times and culture we live in, our innermost stories will be less or more adequate and functional for the given setting. However, we usually cannot judge their truthfulness, which is almost always relative. Many people believe that money brings happiness, and while more money can open up more possibilities, this belief often does not hold in reality, and people do not simply become happier by earning more. To gain something, one usually has to sacrifice something else, so we must consider carefully what is truly important.
Dominant narratives are either what we have consciously chosen to believe or beliefs we have acquired through upbringing and cultural influence. These adopted beliefs can sometimes be destructive, so to preserve our physical and mental health, it may be desirable to transform them. Much of the destructive dominant narratives today revolve around the belief that some people are worth more than others. The concept of capitalism is actually built on this principle, where people compete, chase performance and perfection, and buy piles of useless things just to get a supposed validation of their self-worth. It's as if a person had no value by themselves and had to prove it with their performance, appearance, status or wealth. This false but persistent illusion forces us to focus on unimportant things in life and neglect what is truly important. Captivated by the need to compensate for our insufficient sense of self-worth, we kill life not only within ourselves, but also on a global scale. Our planet is dying because we are not yet able to transform these stories collectively.
Dominant stories that judge a person's worth are usually the most destructive. They can be difficult to uncover and name because they are widely shared, distributed in mass media and interpersonal communication, and just become "the way it is." We can, however, uncover them through careful observation and honest assessment of what we do in life, how we behave in specific situations, and how we really feel. Then we can see whether our sense of self-worth depends on our appearance, or what others think of us, how luxurious our possessions are, whether we make no mistakes, if we gave a top performance, ... etc.
Wherever a harsh judge seems to rule and life is gripped by expectations and anxiety, dialogue needs to be brought in. We need to ask ourselves questions: Is that really so? Who decides what is and is not important? What is hiding behind my beliefs? Is what I am doing functional and beneficial? Is it in line with who I really am? Does it match my values? Do my behavior and beliefs support interpersonal relationships, cooperation, and mutuality? Do they contribute to balance, growth, and development for me and my loved ones? What do I really need? What do my children and family need? ... etc.
It is up to us to choose which stories and values we orient our lives toward. Some dominant narratives can be hard to change because old habits and established ways of thinking have a certain momentum. But we must not forget that they are just something we once learned. With determination, courage, and persistence, we can always learn to do things differently.
If we relate to the world in a way that fills us with fear or anger, if we relate to ourselves with self-criticism and bullying, or if we relate to others in a way that creates pain and hatred, it makes sense to make finding a solution to that situation our top priority.